This week, I write with two people in mind: those contemplating marriage and those contemplating divorce.
One day, I was driving on a major highway in Vancouver area when I missed my exit. Wanting to get back on track, I turned off at the next exit. I was wrong and this exit was long. After a good stretch, it merged onto a one-way that closed off at a construction site with an exit-only at the dead end. Ouch! Not a pleasant experience when time is of essence. Well, since I had only one choice, I took the exit-only and kept moving. When I stopped to re-calculate my route, I was farther away from my destination than I was when I turned off the 'wrong route' the first time.
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Today, as I look back and relate that highway incidence to the journey of marriage, I wonder how many divorced people are in pain right now because they took the wrong exit. I wonder how many married people are traveling the wrong routes or turning off at the nearest exit. I sincerely wonder how many single persons are contemplating embarking on this important journey without stopping to think about what they are really doing.
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Marriage, from God's perspective, is intended to be a one-way drive to a beautiful destination. On this highway, there are fast lanes and rest points but there are no U-Turns and certainly no good exit points. In today's culture, however, it seems the number of Christians putting the destination aside and opting for the first available exit as soon as their marriage hit bumps is on the rise. If we are true believers, then we have no doubt that God knows the way better than we do. God sees marriage as a covenant between a man, woman and himself. The marriage covenant, like all other covenants, are binding and long term in nature.
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Did you know that it is impossible for once-married adults to truly separate from one another? They may be physically apart but they will be emotionally tied together, forever. Once you enter a marriage relationship it is for life. So, before you set out, you should prepare yourself or you might have regrets.
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Every time two people who once loved themselves decide to go separate ways, the pain of regret, setbacks and side effects on innocent loved ones is just too high a price to pay for whatever reason. Yes, you may find a couple emergency exits on the marriage road but they usually wind up at dead ends. God forewarned us to avoid those exits when he told us in Malachi 2:16 that He hates divorce.
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Did you know that it is impossible for once-married adults to truly separate from one another? They may be physically apart but they will be emotionally tied together, forever. Once you enter a marriage relationship it is for life. So, before you set out, you should prepare yourself or you might have regrets.
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Every time two people who once loved themselves decide to go separate ways, the pain of regret, setbacks and side effects on innocent loved ones is just too high a price to pay for whatever reason. Yes, you may find a couple emergency exits on the marriage road but they usually wind up at dead ends. God forewarned us to avoid those exits when he told us in Malachi 2:16 that He hates divorce.
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If you are contemplating marriage, please think before you say "I do".
I am married. So, I am aware that when you meet someone who sweeps you off your feet and you fall head over heels in love with one another, the feeling can be ecstatic and before you know it, you are on a roller-coaster love ride to the alter. No, before you say "I do" you really need to think and sincerely ask God. Never let your judgement be clouded by the tantalizing feelings of beautiful dates, engagement promises and the fanfares of a wedding ceremony.
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Please do not allow the joy of being selected, freedom from overbearing parents or thoughts of leaving the single lifestyle behind be so alluring that you fail to ask God. Marriage is beautiful but marriage can also be tough.. You will hit the bumps, you will come to crossroads and depending on your situation you may conclude that you are on the wrong track and want out. Before you get yourself into a loop of regrets, save yourself the stress by seeking counsel before you say I do.
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Please do not allow the joy of being selected, freedom from overbearing parents or thoughts of leaving the single lifestyle behind be so alluring that you fail to ask God. Marriage is beautiful but marriage can also be tough.. You will hit the bumps, you will come to crossroads and depending on your situation you may conclude that you are on the wrong track and want out. Before you get yourself into a loop of regrets, save yourself the stress by seeking counsel before you say I do.
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Steps you can take right now
· Talk everything over with your partner and refuse to sweep anything under the carpet. This is one mistake many young adults make. It’s easy to glide over unwanted behaviours and red flags when you are love drunk but don’t get drunk too quickly. Talk about everything. If you cannot resolve the issues at this point, its’ usually best to go separate ways. A failed engagement will always be better than a failed marriage. I know people who remain good family friends after a failed engagement but I don't know any couple that maintains great friendship with each other after they broke up.
.· Research marriage. It's amazing how much efforts we put into earning a four-year degree that we need for, at best, thirty-five years of work life and how so little effort we put into studying the subject of marriage that we need for a life time. Every successful marriage is a library and every divorce case is a lab waiting for the wise to learn from. There is so much we need to learn about marriage that it is never too early to start learning. After fifty years of marriage, most couples are still learning. Study marriages in the bible, read books, interview happily married, the unhappily married and the divorced. You will be happy you did.
.· Research marriage. It's amazing how much efforts we put into earning a four-year degree that we need for, at best, thirty-five years of work life and how so little effort we put into studying the subject of marriage that we need for a life time. Every successful marriage is a library and every divorce case is a lab waiting for the wise to learn from. There is so much we need to learn about marriage that it is never too early to start learning. After fifty years of marriage, most couples are still learning. Study marriages in the bible, read books, interview happily married, the unhappily married and the divorced. You will be happy you did.
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· Seek godly counsel from trusted individuals or groups. Never undermine the power of a godly counsel. It can save life. A pastor is usually your best choice. they are trained to guide intending couples into the truth of God's word. If you are a member of a bible church, it will help. If you are not a member of a church, you might want to consider joining one. I am sure, it will be one of the best decisions you would ever make.
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· Seek godly counsel from trusted individuals or groups. Never undermine the power of a godly counsel. It can save life. A pastor is usually your best choice. they are trained to guide intending couples into the truth of God's word. If you are a member of a bible church, it will help. If you are not a member of a church, you might want to consider joining one. I am sure, it will be one of the best decisions you would ever make.
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If you are considering divorce, think before you say I am done.
.Yes, not every marriage is good. Many are products of necessity, mistakes and selfish motives. Besides, people do change. The scriptures provide two exit points for people with tough marital cases such as unrepentant immoral spouse and unbelieving spouse who insists on leaving.
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Jesus: 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[d] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3, 8-9)
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Jesus: 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[d] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3, 8-9)
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Paul: 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:15-1)
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Many Christians have used these two exception clauses as excuses to exit their covenant marriage relationships. It seems that once a marriage has problem, the next logical thing to do is take the divorce exit and quit even for such reasons as poor or lack of communications, constant arguments and fights, money management etc. Experience has shown that divorce is never really a solution. The Harvard Sociologist, Armand Nicholi III once asserted “Divorce is not a solution but an exchange of problems” I believe he is right.
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Many Christians have used these two exception clauses as excuses to exit their covenant marriage relationships. It seems that once a marriage has problem, the next logical thing to do is take the divorce exit and quit even for such reasons as poor or lack of communications, constant arguments and fights, money management etc. Experience has shown that divorce is never really a solution. The Harvard Sociologist, Armand Nicholi III once asserted “Divorce is not a solution but an exchange of problems” I believe he is right.
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Being married for a while now, I know that marriage is a beautiful union. Two are better than one, for sure. Memories of times spent together and the experiences from different stages of life together is simply priceless. However, I also know that there is no perfect marriage. Every marriage has room for improvement. The only perfect marriage will be when we meet God face to face. So, if you find yourself in a troubled marriage, you are not alone. Don’t take the first exit you see because that option is only for people with hardness of heart.
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If you think you said ‘I do’ before you knew what you were doing, now is a second opportunity for you to re-examine what you want to do before you say I’m done”. .
Examine the roots of the problem and seek God’s wisdom from his word. Every problem has a root cause. Some roots are easy to trace while others are not so easy. However, with insights from God’s word, you can solve long-standing problems. God is the perfect member in a believer's marriage covenant. Talk to God about your troubled marriage and start to deal with the problem from the root with the word of God. There is definitely no situation too difficult for God to handle.
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It will also help to seek godly counsel from someone you trust. Yes, you can resolve some marital issues yourself by wisdom from God's word but for some you would need the help of someone. The fear of multiple betrayal and feelings of shame often keep us from seeking counsel. While these are possibilities, I am sure if you ask God, He will guide you through step 2 and you will not make mistakes. No matter how special your case may be, you will be better off seeking godly counsel before you take the next exit.
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It will also help to seek godly counsel from someone you trust. Yes, you can resolve some marital issues yourself by wisdom from God's word but for some you would need the help of someone. The fear of multiple betrayal and feelings of shame often keep us from seeking counsel. While these are possibilities, I am sure if you ask God, He will guide you through step 2 and you will not make mistakes. No matter how special your case may be, you will be better off seeking godly counsel before you take the next exit.
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The problem with getting out of marriage is that it cannot be done. Once the marriage oath is taken a covenant is in force. To attempt to break it will be to break oneself against the covenant and live with the pain of such actions. Choose to honour the marriage covenant and God will honour your marriage.
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For comments or questions, please contact me at everydaylifeblogging@gmail.com
