Chances are at least one person has stepped on your toes in the last 24 hours, unless of course you have minimal interaction with people. Offense is a daily occurrence and everyone has to deal with it somehow. When upset, you may choose to overlook, give it a second thought or get even with the offender in some way. Depending on your choice, you may end up happier and healthier or you may simply go under. Sadly, some have lived their entire life under the influence of their offenders. Yes, offense is a powerful controlling force with great consequences. So, before the next offender comes your way, lets take a second look at why we 'react' to offense the way we do and be prepared to manage our feelings effectively.
It is not what other people do or fail to do that offend us most of the times but the gap between what we expect people to do and what they actually did. I call this gap the 'disappointment zone' Unfortunately, the disappointment zone will always exist because people will always have their expectations that will clash with our expectations and no one expectation meet the perfect standards.
We raise or lower our expectations of people based on how people have treated us in the past. Our standards of judgement, therefore, are not always based on reality of the situation but on history of offense or pleasure: what we know, who we know and where we have been in the path of life. In essence, we are hurt more by the memory of things from our past than the people in our present circumstance. Looking at it this way, it becomes clear why a person will never make a good judge in a matter that offends him or her. Yes, some people do mean things for no apparent reason. I am not talking about this group of cruel people who take advantage of others and delight in their difficulties. I am talking about friends, family, colleagues, roommates, partners, neighbours and the likes. In many of these cases, we can avoid the cumulative stress that comes from the subtle strife between us by momentarily standing in the positions of people who offend us. After all, we may have been in those positions in the past and justified our actions regardless of how those actions made others feel.
I heard the story of a man who was trying hard to concentrate on reading his newspaper while sitting next to a fellow passenger with restless kids in a Train. When this man could not take the noise any longer, he confronted his fellow passenger. “I am really upset by these restless children and you are doing nothing about it” His response? "These children lost their mother a couple hours ago and I am sure I would be restless if I were in their shoes” The man put down his newspaper, picked up one of those children and empathized. The restlessness did not stop but his view of the situation changed.
A better way to avert the arrows of offences coming at us everyday is to attempt to understand the reason behind the actions of those freaking us out. You may discover that the problem is not their action as such but your expectation of them. Next time a person freaks you out ask yourself: what was I expecting them to do and why? We gain better perspectives by viewing situations from multiple positions.
If you are serious about living healthier and happier with the important people in your life, you would need to re-evaluate your standards and prioritize your expectations of people. Here is how I have achieved a measure of success in this area and I strive to continue doing so: Raise the standard for yourself and lower the standard for others. This way, people would need a lot more effort to offend you and you would need a lot less effort to forgive them. What's more, if we insist on getting even with people for the wrongs they have done to us, we position ourselves outside the grace of God. The temporary feeling of satisfaction will vanish when the tables turn and we find ourselves in the seat of the offender.
Hear what Jesus says on the matter. If you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you. But if you don't forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15)
