Many relationships start out superbly and then detour along the way. Some survive and thrive but a great number of relationships struggle for years and some never make it.
Why do great relationships rotten? Why do once upon a time best friends turn worst enemies? Why do sweet dreams turn nightmares and love birds turn cat and dog?
I don’t have all the answers but I’ve had the privilege of counselling with couples and learning from them. I have also learned from my personal mistakes and victories. My conclusion is: the problem with our relationships is not often the ‘big stuff’ but the ‘little things’ we ignore.
Here is my big list of 'little things' that ruin great relationships.
1. Pretending not to know what you did hurts
2. Undervaluing his or her efforts at building your relationship
3. Arguing about the obvious or seemingly insignificant matters
4. Feeling superior or inferior to the other person
5. Failing to apologize when you are wrong
6. Putting her or him down in public
7. Failing to honour/recognize him or her in public
8. Failing to acknowledge his or her creativity and strength
9. Comparing him or her to your mom, siblings, friends or others
10. Saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ or ‘no’ when you mean ‘yes’
11. Keeping secretes on important matters and not keeping your promises
12. Lying to him or her, even if for good reasons
13. Taking him or her for granted but respecting strangers
14. Straying eyes and thoughts especially when together on dates or other socials
15. Lack of heart-felt "thank you", "sorry", "please", and other kind words when due
16. Failing to notice and attend to body language e.g. frown, stress, displeasure or weakness
17. Failing to create memorable events or make memorable events memorable
18. Being insensitive to her or his unspoken emotional needs and failing to ask
19. Not looking in the eye and/or touching him or her when talking or being together
20. Refusing to go the extra mile or give a hand when he or she needs it even though you could
21. Forgetting important dates but not forgeting unimportant offences
22. Playing blame game
23. Being sarcastic
24. Failing to completely forgive
25. Focusing on personal goals rather than corporate good
26. Sweeping unresolved small matters under the carpet
27. Failing to pray together and check the spiritual health of each other
Generally, doing the flip side of these little things can greatly enhance your relationship. Unfortunately, not many of us are disciplined enough to do them. Whenever we ignore the little things, they grow into big problems that even the best psychologists can’t manage. Time is of essence.
"Sometimes, when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things ... I am tempted to think there are no little things." Bruce Barton.
It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread. (Gal 5:9 -Message)
If you want to know if your relationship is dysfunctional, I recommend doing a quick relationship health-check, it's easy! The presence of one or more of the following dysfunctions in your relationship means you or your partner –in most cases, both of you- may have been ignoring the little things that may break your relationship.
Here are 10 common dysfunctions of unhealthy relationships.
1. Lack of trust
You just don’t trust each other. You suspect there is more to what you are seeing, hearing or know. You question his or her motives for doing what he or she does. You take matters personally and are afraid to reveal your weakness. You fear being taken advantage of and are self protective. There is a lot of suspicion or over-questioning actions, motives and issues. As valid as our excuse for living this kind of lifestyle may be, absence of trust is a relationship dysfunction and need to be corrected if you want to enjoy a fabulous togetherness.
2. Lack of mutual respect
You really don’t think he or she forms a significant part of your life although you may not directly tell him or her so. You treat strangers to a luxury and him or her to a common. You disregard her or him
3. Passive aggression
You indirectly express your anger and frustration through sarcasm, jesting, body language in an effort to retaliate unfair treatment. You are silently resistant and aggressive. You are an invisible oppressor
You make him or her look stupid by laughing at their mistakes or asking certain questions. You hate him or her but make him or her think you love them in a way that contradicts your assertions
4. Lack of commitment or demanding unfair amount of freedom
You don’t want to be held responsible for getting things done. You trade blames for setbacks and claim ownerships of successes. You want to do ‘your thing' rather than ‘our thing'. You have I-am-not-my-brother-keeper kind of attitude
5. You prefer secrecy or ambiguous privacy
You protect your space and activities on phone, facebook, name it
6. Refusing accountability
He or she puts up “what-I-do-is-none-of-your-business” kind of attitude. You refuse to give feedback
7. Ignoring each other.
You pretend not to know he or she hurts. You manoeuvre, manipulate and second guess
8. Insensitivity or hard heartedness
9. Stale psychological air
You lack freedom to openly express your feelings and frustrations. You want the next available exit as soon as possible
10. Withdrawals or mental separation
Retiring to your own world emotionally even though you might be together
PS:
The second part of my observation is that many more people seem to be more prepared to confront the “big” stuff in relationships such as:
• Sex- too early, too much, too little or good sex
• Money- lack, surplus or just enough
• Power- control, ownership, authority, identity
• Third parties- his girl friend(s) and her boyfriend(s) or in-laws
• God, Faith, church, family- varying levels of commitment
I will leave this for a separate discussion. If you have comment or questions, please contact me at thesolidrockpastor@gmail.com. Thank you for visiting!
@ Solidrock
We pay attention to everyone.Come
