Before You Say "I Do"

This week, I write with two people in mind: those contemplating marriage and those contemplating divorce.

One day, I was driving on a major highway in Vancouver area when I missed my exit. Wanting to get back on track, I turned off at the next exit. I was wrong and this exit was long. After a good stretch, it merged onto a one-way that closed off at a construction site with an exit-only at the dead end. Ouch! Not a pleasant experience when time is of essence. Well, since I had only one choice, I took the exit-only and kept moving. When I stopped to re-calculate my route, I was farther away from my destination than I was when I turned off the 'wrong route' the first time. 

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Today, as I look back and relate that highway incidence to the journey of marriage, I wonder how many divorced people are in pain right now because they took the wrong exit. I wonder how many married people are traveling the wrong routes or turning off at the nearest exit. I sincerely wonder how many single persons are contemplating embarking on this important journey without stopping to think about what they are really doing.

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Marriage, from God's perspective, is intended to be a one-way drive to a beautiful destination. On this highway, there are fast lanes and rest points but there are no U-Turns and certainly no good exit points. In today's culture, however, it seems the number of Christians putting the destination aside and opting for the first available exit as soon as their marriage hit bumps is on the rise. If we are true believers, then we have no doubt that God knows the way better than we do. God sees marriage as a covenant between a man, woman and himself. The marriage covenant, like all other covenants, are binding and long term in nature. 
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Did you know that it is impossible for once-married adults to truly separate from one another? They may be physically apart but they will be emotionally tied together, forever. Once you enter a marriage relationship it is for life. So, before you set out, you should prepare yourself or you might have regrets. 
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Every time two people who once loved themselves decide to go separate ways, the pain of regret, setbacks and side effects on innocent loved ones  is just too high a price to pay for whatever reason. Yes, you may find a couple emergency exits on the marriage road but they usually wind up at dead ends. God forewarned us to avoid those exits when he told us in Malachi 2:16 that He hates divorce. 

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If you are contemplating marriage, please think before you say "I do"

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I am married. So, I am aware that when you meet someone who sweeps you off your feet and you fall head over heels in love with one another, the feeling can be ecstatic and before you know it, you are on a roller-coaster love ride to the alter. No, before you say "I do" you really need to think and sincerely ask God. Never let your judgement be clouded by the tantalizing feelings of beautiful dates, engagement promises and the fanfares of a wedding ceremony. 
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Please do not allow the joy of being selected, freedom from overbearing parents or thoughts of leaving the single lifestyle behind be so alluring that you fail to ask God. Marriage is beautiful but marriage can also be tough.. You will hit the bumps, you will come to crossroads and depending on your situation you may conclude that you are on the wrong track and want out. Before you get yourself into a loop of regrets, save yourself the stress by seeking counsel before you say I do.

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Steps you can take right now

·        Talk everything over with your partner and refuse to sweep anything under the carpet.  This is one mistake many young adults make. It’s easy to glide over unwanted behaviours and red flags when you are love drunk but don’t get drunk too quickly. Talk about everything. If you cannot resolve the issues at this point, its’ usually best to go separate ways. A failed engagement will always be better than a failed marriage. I know people who remain good family friends after a failed engagement but I don't know any couple that maintains great friendship with each other after they broke up. 

Hidden fears that rob us of peace and ruin our confidence

This week, we will focus on emotional and spiritual health. I will start with my sermon of July 17, 2011 as it relates to peace of mind and confidence. I am posting it as one piece. Enjoy!

What if I lose my job? What if the bank forecloses on my house? What if my neighbour is a criminal? What if I get scammed? What if I have a terminal disease? What if I don't get someone to marry me? What if my marriage fails? What if my in-laws don't accept me? What if they hurt me? What if my children don't make it? What if I don't get the job? What if I end up a failure in life? What if..? What if...? The list of people and things that scare us seems to be growing steadily. We seem to be losing peace of mind and confidence in everything and everyone everyday. How did many of us become so crippled by fear with little or no confidence left? The answer I found is BROKEN TRUST!

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Life is all about relationships and every relationship is built and sustained by TRUST. When trust is broken, it is not just the relationship that suffers but also the people involved and everything around them. This is what I mean:

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One day I watched a father teach his young son a lesson on trust. The father told his son to climb up a relatively high brick wall. When the young boy did, he instructed him to jump from the height; that he would catch him and not let him fall. Trusting his father, the boy jumped and as soon as he did, his dad moved away and let the little boy hit the ground. With tears in his eyes he cried: Dad Why did you do that to me? His dad said 'just to teach you a very important lesson: "TRUST NO ONE INCLUDING ME". Although it was only a scene in a movie years ago, each time I remember the scene I still shudder because I know it happens people all the time.
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Many of us have been directly or indirectly taught a lesson on TRUST like that little boy by people  close to us. Family members have taken advantage of us and best friends have betrayed us again and again. After many of such disappointments, deceptions and betrayals, we have become failure prone and rigidly resolved to never trust anyone, ANYONE, including God!
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Truth is, when we settle for a life of 'TRUST NO ONE', we do ourselves more harm than good. We start living in fear and losing peace of mind. The 'what if' questions rush in like a flood and we find ourselves always expecting things to go wrong and expecting people to disappoint us even when those people have great intentions. Usually, things turn out the way we expect.
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Allow me to share a very valuable lesson on TRUST with you. I believe it will help you rebuild your broken trust and regain your lost peace and confidence if you are affected. .
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Lack of trust is not a smart-self protection solution but a type of disorder called fear This disorder usually manifests itself as:
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Paralysis of the mind: Nothing paralyzes the mind like fear. Whether it is fear of disappointment, fear of failure, fear of deception, the effect is the same: paralyzed mind. Fear overworks your mind and kills your creativity. Fear makes fool of a genius and cripple a giant. I have seen intelligent people fail job interviews because they were too nervous. Unfortunately, we have coined fancy words to describe fear such as nervousness and scary. "I am so nervous right now" or "That scares me to death" Please do not accept this as a normal state of the mind. When God created us he did not give us the spirit of fear but of love and sound mind. If you are always nervous, scared or suspicious, you need to take steps to deal with the root of the problem: broken trust.

You Don't Have To EARN A Living

Thank you for taking time to read this article. This week, my focus is work and life. I trust you have enjoyed your work and life this beautiful week. If you haven't, there's no need to worry, God does restore lost times. As a follow up on my last article on Monday fevers, I want to share with you some insights on how to quit toiling to earn a living and start living on the resting side of life. My purpose is to address some common life's dysfunctions that stop us from receiving the best God has for us. 

One of life's commonest dysfunctions is hard-work mentality. People with this mentality believe they have to earn their living and work hard at doing so. To them you are lazy if you are not busy round the clock. As managers, people with hard-work mentality are more likely to be the controlling type of bosses who look over everybody’s shoulders in the workplace to see if they are busy or idle. By so doing, they put out the fire of creativity from the team, not knowing. People with hard-work mentality attempt to rationalize everything and dismiss anything that is not logical. They believe that the harder you work the more successful you will become; they function in circles of routine work and often get stock in the prison of tradition. As Christians, people with hard work mentality are likely to be focused more on laws and wrath of God than on grace and love of God. 

Are you working hard to earn a living? Are you working hard to earn God's favour? Are you studying hard to earn a degree and land a job? Do you find yourself attempting to rationalize everything and dismiss anything that reason cannot explain? If yes, you may already be caught in the web of toils and it is nothing but a futile chase after the winds. Set yourself free today. Start trusting God for your daily supplies. God, not hard work, your employer or government is your source. If you believe in the saving grace of Jesus Christ and you are about promoting his kingdom, you are a candidate for divine supplies. Jesus has finished all the work required to meet our needs; he has made us the very righteousness of God. No one can work hard enough to earn God’s love or earn a living but anybody can trust God and enjoy a good life. The Psalmist knew this so well when he wrote:  

  It is useless for you to work so hard

      from early morning until late at night,
  anxiously working for food to eat;
      for God gives rest to his loved ones. Psalm 126:2 (NLT)

The first step towards correcting the hard-work mentality is realizing that you do not have to earn a living. To do so will take a life time and you could still end up poor. A study of successful people shows that the hardest workers are not always the richest and many poor people are very hard working. Alternative way to earning a living is receiving divine supplies. It is better and much easier to receive your supplies than to earn them. This is one of the most liberating lessons I have learned in my walk with God. One idea from God can end a long-term struggle, instantly. It happened to a fisherman named Simon. 

One day as Jesus was preaching on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, great crowds pressed in on him to listen to the word of God. He noticed two empty boats at the water’s edge, for the fishermen had left them and were washing their nets. Stepping into one of the boats, Jesus asked Simon, its owner, to push it out into the water. So he sat in the boat and taught the crowds from there.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish. “Master,” Simon replied, “we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again.” And this time their nets were so full of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking. Luke 5:1-7 (NLT)

Simon had toiled all night trying to catch fish but could not. As soon as Jesus showed up and gave him an idea, his all-night struggle ended in a moment. I am sure Simon was not a day-old fisherman. He must have known all the tricks of fishing business yet he did not make progress by working hard but by receiving an idea from Jesus. He trusted Jesus, acted on his word and got a big catch.

You don't have to earn a living. Why toil to earn what you can receive free of charge? For example, if you need a bike that costs $300.00, you would be making a mistake if you start to look for $300.00 because what you really need is not the $300.00 but the bike and it is possible for someone to bless you with a bike free of charge. So, I encourage you to quit toiling and start trusting God to meet your daily needs. Does this mean you have to quit your job and fold your hands? Of course not. It means you have to quit trusting your own knowledge, skill and ability to meet your needs and learn to trust God to bless the work of your hands. There is a difference between hard work and diligence. Hard work take so much effort from people and give them little or no results but diligent people have great results to show for their efforts. People with hard work mentality rely on their own abilities but diligent people trust God. Whether it is academics, family, finance, relationship or salvation, the rule is the same: don't toil, trust God. The blessing of God makes a person rich and he adds no sorrow with it. What’s more, “your heavenly father already knows that you need 'these things” and he promised to add all of them to you once you make his kingdom your priority (Matthew 6:25-34). We are not supposed to run after things; things are supposed to run after us because we run after the kingdom of God.

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GUSH, It’s Monday Again!

YES, it was a ‘LoNg weekend’ but I did not feel like waking up to go to work this morning. Who looks forward to Monday, anyway? I doubt if anyone does; certainly not if you work in my kind of office with my kind of supervisor and colleagues. Seriously, they freak me out all the time and make me hate work, really hate work. To think that I earn way less than my friends who work at “myrichfriends.com” just across the Province does not help matters. I sometimes wonder if my work or work in general is punishment. Why do we have to work anyway? If only I do not have to pay my bills. It’s only 8:30am on Monday morning and I am already looking forward to Friday at 4.

Are you like the ‘me’ I described above? Do you cringe at the thought of resuming unpleasant work with your coworkers after each weekend? Do you see work as punishment or necessary evil? Are you one of those who sing TGIF - Thank God It’s Friday and tempted to call in sick most Monday mornings? Great if you are not one of them but truth is many of us didn’t want the just passed ‘long weekend’ to be over so soon. After all, who does not like a little extra rest on a weekend? But if you happen to be in this group of what I would respectfully call ‘work-slaves’, I encourage you set yourself free and become a better you, starting this week. This may be a tough nut for you to crack but there is a way and you are better off starting to find it now. 

In reality I have been through some of those Monday moments described above and looking back from where I am now, I know it’s not fun and I feel compelled to write a note of encouragement to those who might still be suffering from the Monday fever. 

Here is how I got my freedom from work stress: I found my place and occupied it. Certainly, I have not arrived but I am not where I used to be. Looking back from where I am today, my perspective of work has changed and the feeling is different. Work is now fun and working long hours is norm. I can tell you from experience that you are healthier, happier and stronger if you enjoy your work. It’s about 1:30 in the morning as I write this article after a busy Sunday and I am not tasked. My call is to add value to people by inspiring them to overcome life’s dysfunctions and be the best God created them to be. When you are in your place, work is not something you dread or run away from but something you look towards. You do not keep your eyes on the clock or look forward to long weekends and statutory holidays just as reliefs from work. Instead, work will become pleasure and everything and everyone you love will be part of what you do and your creative ability will come to light.

Yes, work can be a pain if you are just working to pay bills. What punishment could be greater than doing everyday what you hate to do at all? There are many work-slaves in the labour market today, don’t be one of them. So, here are a few suggestions that you might find helpful:

Discover what you were created to do and start doing it

Everyone is created to complete a unique assignment in life and work is fun only when you know what that assignment is and you are doing it. The acid test for discovering your calling is God’s Word. No one knows more about the purpose of a product than the creator of that product. Study the Word and ask God in prayer to guide you to your assignment. Usually it would be an area where you get the most inspiration from God. God-ordained assignments are the easiest and most pleasurable to carry out. After identifying something that looks like what you want to spend your life on, and connecting with like-minds, ask yourself this fundamental question: “if money was not an issue, will I be doing this type of work? If your answer is no, you are probably doing the wrong thing.

The moment you know what your assignment is, start by connecting with people who are doing similar things. You will save time and stress by standing on their shoulders to see further. There is no need to re-invent the will; smart people improve on the work of previous generations. However, be careful not to hop into the first bus that looks like your interests. Interests are not the same as callings. For example, I am interested in dancing but I am not called to dance. If I join a dancing group today as a profession, it will be an unpleasant work for me. Stay where you find inspiration.

Start your own business and partner with like-minds

In some cases you may not find existing business that is a good match for your calling but you can start your own business -depending of course on your personality, skill set and nature of business. You may experience teething challenges at the beginning but once your business is up and running, you will be having so much fun that you won’t know how time flies. Where starting your own business is impractical for whatever reason, consider partnering with others. Even if you can do everything on your own it usually helps to partner with people of like-minds. Some business types operate even better when managed by a team of complementary individuals rather than a sole expert. Do not think of the capital to start with, think of the results your work will bring to your world and the smiles you would put on faces just by saying yes to your calling. The energy and peace that come from such approach will force the capital you need to come your way. Don’t we have enough evidence to show that people like to support noble courses?

Trust God to take care of you and avoid competition

     Did you know that it takes a lifetime to earn a living but a moment to receive favour from God? While toil when you can trust God? Learn to trust God to take care of you. You don’t have to earn your living to enjoy life; you just need to be at the right place doing the right thing. Your faithful God will ensure your needs are met. The wealthiest people are among those who do what they are ‘called to do’ rather than those who do what they ‘have to do’. When you start doing what God created you to do, he will take care of you but realize that you are on a mission and not in a competition. Even among those who have found their calling are some who have turned themselves into copy cats and competitors. Forget about trying to beat others, instead, focus on fulfilling your mission. Whatever God has assigned to you is unique to you. Even if many other people are doing similar things, they cannot do the same thing unless you give up your calling and abandon your post.
     
      Find your place, take your position, team up with like minds, trust God and you will be able to confidently say goodbye to “Gush, It’s Monday, Again” or TGIF –Thank God it’s Friday as a relief.  You will be able to say: TGIM- Thank God it’s Monday, TGIT –Thank God Its Tuesday, TGIW –Thank God It’s Wednesday, TGIT –Thank God It’s Thursdays, TGIF –Thank God It’s Friday, TGIS –Thank God It’s Saturday and TGIS- Thank God It’s Sunday!

      Enjoy your week! Enjoy your work! Become a better you!

¹¹He who tills his land shall be satisfied with bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits is lacking in sense and is without understanding.

Proverbs 12:11.

For comments or questions, please contact me at pokaka@solidrockchurchcanada.com