How You Say It Matters

"Inside every man is a king and a lion. It is the one you speak to that will answer you" Anonymous

Let me begin with a true story of a couple who demonstrated the incredible power of words. His name was Nabal and her name was Abigail. Nabal was crude and mean. Abigail was sensible and beautiful. They were very wealthy and lived in the wilderness of Maon. One day, the King David sent a team of his men on errands and they needed Nabal's assistance. But Nabal was crude and mean even though the King's men had been very courteous to Nabal. "who does the king think he is anyway?” Nabal screamed at the king's men. When the King heard it, he wasted no time. He instructed 400 of his warrior to get their swords. Jumping on his horse, they started off, vowing to exterminate Nabal and all that he owned.

Meanwhile, news of the King's rage got to Abigail and she moved quickly. She instructed her servants to get some presents ready, mounted her horse and ran up to meet the king before he got to them. Using her good sense and soft speaking, Abigail appeased the king with his armed men and saved her and her family’s life. You can read the whole story in (1 Samuel 25). Had Nabal used words like Abigail did, there would not have been threats of war in the first place. While Nabal's words drew swords, Abigails words drew friendship. It is important to choose our words.

Feelings are volatile when in contact with unguided words, take precaution!

Words are extremely volatile substances and if not handled with caution could cause extensive damage to anything and everyone they fall upon. Words have removed people from prestigious positions and placed nobodies on the king’s thrones. The person who says “talk is cheap” has not taken inventory of the cost of improperly used words. I like to think of emotion like gasoline in a storage tank. Gasoline is useless unless it comes in contact with some form of ignition. If you draw gasoline from a storage tank and channel it through the appropriate system, it will move the engine to accomplish your objective. However, if you bring a fire to that same tank of gasoline, you could destroy not only the gasoline, but a whole city and the people in it. Emotion is to relationships what gasoline is to automobile. Emotion needs words to burn and move the relationship forward. However, if you expose human emotion to “naked words” you could destroy relationships, people and a whole city. Nothing stirs up emotion as easily as words and nothing destroys relationships faster than unguided words

Depending on who is using it and how it is used, words can bring peace and words can bring wars. Words bring blessing and curses. Words bring friends and enemies. Words bring love and hate. Words motivate and demoralize. Whether you get commotion or locomotion from the use of your words depends on how you use them to stir emotions of other people. Words, if not handled with caution could cause fire and expensive damages to anything and everyone they fall on. I have seen little things turn to big problems because of poor use of words. The Bible says soft answer turns away wrath but rash words bring fight. Proverbs (15:1). I have made some mistakes with the use of words and learned some lessons. I am still learning but I have observed two good qualities in people who use words wisely and I want to share them with you.

1. Be quick to listen. Did you know that most of what we say are responses to what others have said? That is why it's good to listen first. If we don't, our response will likely be wrong. I have made mistakes myself and responded to things that I later realized I did not understand at first. I will continue to improve my listening skills but here is one good quality I have observed in good listeners that help them respond to situations effectively: Good listeners listen quick. By 'quick' I mean smart, prompt and purposeful. A good listener will always:

a) Listen promptly.. The bible says a prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions, but the simple keeps going and suffers for it. What you choose to ignore may save your life. Paying attention to what is going on around us is not all about gossip but a smart listening skill to develop. If you do not understand what is going on, how can you choose whether to respond or to ignore?

b) Listen smart. You listen smart if you are able to hear in-between words. Meaning, you are able to pick what is not said out of the much or little that is said. This requires a quick assessment of the situation to understand motives and goals.

c) Listen empathically. You listen emphatically if you listen to understand a matter from another's perspective. Listening with prejudices or pre-determined responses often shut us out of the real thing. 

2. Be slow to speak. Just because you know what to say does not mean you should say it. Some things are better left unsaid or unwritten. This is especially important in the day of twitter, facebook or linked in. Have you noticed that there are more analysts than there are solution providers? Learning to speak less than you think you should is wisdom. Does this mean you should avoid speaking the truth? Not at all. There are some things that must be said even though it is known beforehand that they would ruffle feathers. However, it is smart to choose our words and to not speak hastily. 

This week, as you go about your life and business listen smart. Pay prompt attention to what you hear, listen on purpose and be slow to speak. Always remember that words can transport you to your desired destination if used in proper manner but they are also volatile and can destroy relationships if used in improper manner. You will succeed!

For comments or questions, please contact me at everydayblogging[at]gmail[dot]com

Rule-Of-Thumb for Interpersonal Relationships

In a world of drive thrus and fast foods, our definition of 'best' has improved from 'good quality' to include 'fast' 'easy' and 'convenient'. So, the other day as I was looking for a fast, easy and convenient formula for winning with people, I found this: "Do to others what you would like them do to you". It is not a new truth but its still the best.

Let's take a second look, are there really 'quick fixes' to interpersonal relationships? Besides, isn't one man meat another's  poison? How could we possibly treat everyone with one simple rule? 

Well, contrary to popular opinion, the "best" does not always have to be expensive and difficult-to get. The  best should be good quality, easy to get and affordable. When we define value soley by scarcity and price, we miss the point. Some of the most valuable things in life are not expensive in money sense. Seriously, if you are faced with a difficult interpersonal relationship issue at work or school, you are not going to need your text books even if you have degrees in sociology and psychology combined. What you need at such time is a simple, fast and reliable principle to resolve the issue. Having money to buy expensive gifts and luxurious vacations for the people in our lives would make no difference if we miss this simple rule-of-thumb for interpersonal relationships. 

Yes, I am aware of the debate over what constitutes ‘respect’ and how to relate with people across cultures and individual preferences. But I am also aware that regardless of how varied cultures and human preferences may be, we all have one thing in common- we are humans. Cultures may differ but people are the same. For example, no matter the culture or personal preference, everyone understands the meaning of a genuine smile, laughter or friendship. Whether, it is a one time genuine smile or a lifetime friendship one thing is common to all human- we want to be valued, celebrated, heard, forgiven and appreciated. There is no culture where these things are not understood. That is why Jesus Christ made it simple: "Do to others whatever you would like them do to you" (Matthew 7:12). 

So the simple rule for winning with people is putting yourself in their shoes and treating them as if you were treating yourself in that particular situation with your knowledge of basic human needs. You don't win with people by buying them expensive gifts although many would appreciate these. You win with people by getting into their hearts and that is by treating them as humans just like yourself. This rule is simple, fast, easy and convenient when you consider the trouble that come from trying to have things go our way all the time. This rule will work for the "easy-to-get-along with" as well as the "difficult-to-get-along with" people. It will work for the educated and the uneducated, black or white and men or woman. This rule is rooted in unconditional love.

Inside Out

Have you heard the story of the Triple A Barbers? It is the story of a group of barbers who decided to 'transform a lunatic with a smart hair cut' as a way to promote their business. These barbers went to the slum in the region and picked an unkempt substance addict, took several photos of him, gave him a nice haircut, and dressed him up in an expensive suit and a pair of fine shoes. Then they took a second round of photos showing his new looks. When they finished, they made large posters showing the gentleman's looks before and after the haircut and inscribed on it “TRANSFORMATION -see what the Triple A Barbers can do for you”. Then they placed these posters at strategic locations within the city.


One day, a wealthy businessman saw the poster and was interested. He went to the barbers' shop and inquired about the gentleman. One of the barbers and the businessman took the beautiful photograph and went to the slum where they met the ghetto guy the first time but could not find him. No one in the apartment building could identify the handsome gentleman in the photograph. Then the barber went back to the shop, picked the old photo and came back to the folks. “This is the guy I am talking about”, he said. Immediately, the ghetto guy's neighbours recognized him. Then they led the Barber and the businessman to a corner where they found the ghetto guy. He had returned to his habitual corner and resumed his old way of life.


True and Lasting Change Must Begin from Within


Just like the Triple A Barbers, many of us have attempted to change ourselves and our circumstances from the outside in. As most of us have found out again and again, true change can never happen from the outside in. True and lasting change come only from inside out. It is impossible for you or me to change our lives by changing our job, car, house, wardrobe, spouse, pet, toys, sex, looks, location or any external body attachment for that matter.


Ask those who have spent huge sum of money to change their physical surroundings in attempt to change their lives and they would tell you that such attempts are like the chasing of the winds that never yield positive results. Any change that does not come from within a person is fake and temporary.

What's In Your Closet?

A. The Stuff in Your Closet

No, I am not talking about those designer shoes and clothes in your house closet that you no longer use, although stuff life are equally important. Neither am I talking about your clean or cluttered table at work. Instead, I am talking about your personal internal affairs; those things that go on behind the scenes of your life and at the center of your mind.
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.I am talking about things that no one except you and God know about. Things that will make you ashamed if they were revealed with your name tag on them. Things from your past that you wish are better forgotten but which have refused to go away. Things about your future that create fear in your mind and make you feel hopeless. Things that make you lose confidence and feel inferior before your friends and colleagues.

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What about those layers of guilt and worries that hunt your soul in the middle of the night? Those tears that you wipe off as soon as you hear a knock on your door in order to hide the way you really feel. That battle of identity crises going on behind the mask of boldness and enthusiasm that you put on at social circles. That pain of resentment that is draining your emotion and making you sick. That prejudice, malice and bitterness that is bulging through the walls of your heart. These are the things I would like to call your attention to.

B. Nature of a Closet

The hidden nature of a closet makes it an easy dump site for junk and clutters. It is easy for us to project a no-stain personality on the outside and still have mess filling up every space on our inside. Most of us can neatly disguise any stress marks on our minds with a sweet smile on our face. Some of us can carry guns and machetes of resentment in our closets and still go to church while others can carry nails and hammers of vengeance in their closets and still go to work. Your closet is one area that outsiders may never get to see in your house but you don`t have to continue to keep negative stuff in it.
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C. What You Have In Your Closet Is What You Will Put On Before the World

Although we may be the only ones who know what we have in our closet, we cannot successfully hide them forever. The reason is simple: what you have in your closet is what you will put on before the world. What lies on the inside eventually reflect on the outside. Ever had someone tell you that you look stressed, worried or afraid when you thought you were putting on your best looks? It is easy for people to see through us and know what we are unsuccessfully trying to hide. They see our closet stuff in the virtues and vices that emanate from us like overcoats and body perfume. Each of us reflects our closets although we may not be aware of this fact.
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D. Open Up and Clean Up

Opening up your closet for cleaning is especially important because not only do the negative things we keep in our closets make us appear ugly to the world, they also rob us of joy, happiness and good health. A cluttered closet may cost us good performance and promotion at work or rob us of productivity and profit in business. A cluttered closet can make a difference between an À student and a drop-out student or a successful sportsperson and a bankrupt businessperson. Cluttered closets may deprive us of quality relationships because people treat us as we appear to them. It was John Maxwell who said “hurting people hurt people” and I agree. If you are upset inside, you will upset those around you. If you are angry inside you will irritate people around you. If you are frustrated inside you will frustrate the people in your life. Your internal affairs control your external affairs.

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E. What You Can Do

Many people have made attempts to clean up their closet but each time they do, it soon fills up with dirt again. You may have started the year with a good New Year resolution that didn’t work. You may have tried to be nice to people who are mean to you but this only made things worse. The reason, for this, I believe, is no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to keep our closets clean by ourselves. When it comes to matters of personal internal affairs, we need the help of a good home maker and this can only be God who created the closet in the first place.
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What you can do is open up to God for cleaning and don't be ashamed; he already knows what you may be trying to hide. Allow God to dress your wounds and don`t be afraid, he already knows the pains you are carrying within. God does powerful closet cleaning with his word. If the clutter is guilt, He can make you as clean and guiltless as if you have never sinned. If it is fear he can give you hope for tomorrow. Indeed, God is the only one who can forgive our transgressions, remove our garments of shame and cloth us with righteousness. He can make way where there seems to be no way. The good news is God is never overbooked. He is both willing and ready to clean anyone anytime.  .

Start today to fill your mind and soul with the word of God. It will replace bitter clutters with love, joy, patience, self control, goodness, kindness, hope, gentleness and faithfulness. Then you will you look good, smell good, make good friends and build good relationships. You will infuse joy to the people around you and add beauty and value to your world. You will become a better YOU!

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God's Word to You:
I, the LORD, invite you to come and talk it over. Your sins are scarlet red, but they will be whiter than snow or wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
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Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
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Prayer
DEAR GOD, help me to take a good look at my closet and determine what to keep and what to throw away. I open up to you for cleansing, heal my wounds and wash away my sins. In Jesus name, Amen