Rule-Of-Thumb for Interpersonal Relationships

In a world of drive thrus and fast foods, our definition of 'best' has improved from 'good quality' to include 'fast' 'easy' and 'convenient'. So, the other day as I was looking for a fast, easy and convenient formula for winning with people, I found this: "Do to others what you would like them do to you". It is not a new truth but its still the best.

Let's take a second look, are there really 'quick fixes' to interpersonal relationships? Besides, isn't one man meat another's  poison? How could we possibly treat everyone with one simple rule? 

Well, contrary to popular opinion, the "best" does not always have to be expensive and difficult-to get. The  best should be good quality, easy to get and affordable. When we define value soley by scarcity and price, we miss the point. Some of the most valuable things in life are not expensive in money sense. Seriously, if you are faced with a difficult interpersonal relationship issue at work or school, you are not going to need your text books even if you have degrees in sociology and psychology combined. What you need at such time is a simple, fast and reliable principle to resolve the issue. Having money to buy expensive gifts and luxurious vacations for the people in our lives would make no difference if we miss this simple rule-of-thumb for interpersonal relationships. 

Yes, I am aware of the debate over what constitutes ‘respect’ and how to relate with people across cultures and individual preferences. But I am also aware that regardless of how varied cultures and human preferences may be, we all have one thing in common- we are humans. Cultures may differ but people are the same. For example, no matter the culture or personal preference, everyone understands the meaning of a genuine smile, laughter or friendship. Whether, it is a one time genuine smile or a lifetime friendship one thing is common to all human- we want to be valued, celebrated, heard, forgiven and appreciated. There is no culture where these things are not understood. That is why Jesus Christ made it simple: "Do to others whatever you would like them do to you" (Matthew 7:12). 

So the simple rule for winning with people is putting yourself in their shoes and treating them as if you were treating yourself in that particular situation with your knowledge of basic human needs. You don't win with people by buying them expensive gifts although many would appreciate these. You win with people by getting into their hearts and that is by treating them as humans just like yourself. This rule is simple, fast, easy and convenient when you consider the trouble that come from trying to have things go our way all the time. This rule will work for the "easy-to-get-along with" as well as the "difficult-to-get-along with" people. It will work for the educated and the uneducated, black or white and men or woman. This rule is rooted in unconditional love.

Inside Out

Have you heard the story of the Triple A Barbers? It is the story of a group of barbers who decided to 'transform a lunatic with a smart hair cut' as a way to promote their business. These barbers went to the slum in the region and picked an unkempt substance addict, took several photos of him, gave him a nice haircut, and dressed him up in an expensive suit and a pair of fine shoes. Then they took a second round of photos showing his new looks. When they finished, they made large posters showing the gentleman's looks before and after the haircut and inscribed on it “TRANSFORMATION -see what the Triple A Barbers can do for you”. Then they placed these posters at strategic locations within the city.


One day, a wealthy businessman saw the poster and was interested. He went to the barbers' shop and inquired about the gentleman. One of the barbers and the businessman took the beautiful photograph and went to the slum where they met the ghetto guy the first time but could not find him. No one in the apartment building could identify the handsome gentleman in the photograph. Then the barber went back to the shop, picked the old photo and came back to the folks. “This is the guy I am talking about”, he said. Immediately, the ghetto guy's neighbours recognized him. Then they led the Barber and the businessman to a corner where they found the ghetto guy. He had returned to his habitual corner and resumed his old way of life.


True and Lasting Change Must Begin from Within


Just like the Triple A Barbers, many of us have attempted to change ourselves and our circumstances from the outside in. As most of us have found out again and again, true change can never happen from the outside in. True and lasting change come only from inside out. It is impossible for you or me to change our lives by changing our job, car, house, wardrobe, spouse, pet, toys, sex, looks, location or any external body attachment for that matter.


Ask those who have spent huge sum of money to change their physical surroundings in attempt to change their lives and they would tell you that such attempts are like the chasing of the winds that never yield positive results. Any change that does not come from within a person is fake and temporary.

What's In Your Closet?

A. The Stuff in Your Closet

No, I am not talking about those designer shoes and clothes in your house closet that you no longer use, although stuff life are equally important. Neither am I talking about your clean or cluttered table at work. Instead, I am talking about your personal internal affairs; those things that go on behind the scenes of your life and at the center of your mind.
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.I am talking about things that no one except you and God know about. Things that will make you ashamed if they were revealed with your name tag on them. Things from your past that you wish are better forgotten but which have refused to go away. Things about your future that create fear in your mind and make you feel hopeless. Things that make you lose confidence and feel inferior before your friends and colleagues.

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What about those layers of guilt and worries that hunt your soul in the middle of the night? Those tears that you wipe off as soon as you hear a knock on your door in order to hide the way you really feel. That battle of identity crises going on behind the mask of boldness and enthusiasm that you put on at social circles. That pain of resentment that is draining your emotion and making you sick. That prejudice, malice and bitterness that is bulging through the walls of your heart. These are the things I would like to call your attention to.

B. Nature of a Closet

The hidden nature of a closet makes it an easy dump site for junk and clutters. It is easy for us to project a no-stain personality on the outside and still have mess filling up every space on our inside. Most of us can neatly disguise any stress marks on our minds with a sweet smile on our face. Some of us can carry guns and machetes of resentment in our closets and still go to church while others can carry nails and hammers of vengeance in their closets and still go to work. Your closet is one area that outsiders may never get to see in your house but you don`t have to continue to keep negative stuff in it.
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C. What You Have In Your Closet Is What You Will Put On Before the World

Although we may be the only ones who know what we have in our closet, we cannot successfully hide them forever. The reason is simple: what you have in your closet is what you will put on before the world. What lies on the inside eventually reflect on the outside. Ever had someone tell you that you look stressed, worried or afraid when you thought you were putting on your best looks? It is easy for people to see through us and know what we are unsuccessfully trying to hide. They see our closet stuff in the virtues and vices that emanate from us like overcoats and body perfume. Each of us reflects our closets although we may not be aware of this fact.
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D. Open Up and Clean Up

Opening up your closet for cleaning is especially important because not only do the negative things we keep in our closets make us appear ugly to the world, they also rob us of joy, happiness and good health. A cluttered closet may cost us good performance and promotion at work or rob us of productivity and profit in business. A cluttered closet can make a difference between an À student and a drop-out student or a successful sportsperson and a bankrupt businessperson. Cluttered closets may deprive us of quality relationships because people treat us as we appear to them. It was John Maxwell who said “hurting people hurt people” and I agree. If you are upset inside, you will upset those around you. If you are angry inside you will irritate people around you. If you are frustrated inside you will frustrate the people in your life. Your internal affairs control your external affairs.

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E. What You Can Do

Many people have made attempts to clean up their closet but each time they do, it soon fills up with dirt again. You may have started the year with a good New Year resolution that didn’t work. You may have tried to be nice to people who are mean to you but this only made things worse. The reason, for this, I believe, is no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to keep our closets clean by ourselves. When it comes to matters of personal internal affairs, we need the help of a good home maker and this can only be God who created the closet in the first place.
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What you can do is open up to God for cleaning and don't be ashamed; he already knows what you may be trying to hide. Allow God to dress your wounds and don`t be afraid, he already knows the pains you are carrying within. God does powerful closet cleaning with his word. If the clutter is guilt, He can make you as clean and guiltless as if you have never sinned. If it is fear he can give you hope for tomorrow. Indeed, God is the only one who can forgive our transgressions, remove our garments of shame and cloth us with righteousness. He can make way where there seems to be no way. The good news is God is never overbooked. He is both willing and ready to clean anyone anytime.  .

Start today to fill your mind and soul with the word of God. It will replace bitter clutters with love, joy, patience, self control, goodness, kindness, hope, gentleness and faithfulness. Then you will you look good, smell good, make good friends and build good relationships. You will infuse joy to the people around you and add beauty and value to your world. You will become a better YOU!

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God's Word to You:
I, the LORD, invite you to come and talk it over. Your sins are scarlet red, but they will be whiter than snow or wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
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Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
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Prayer
DEAR GOD, help me to take a good look at my closet and determine what to keep and what to throw away. I open up to you for cleansing, heal my wounds and wash away my sins. In Jesus name, Amen

What Are You Thinking?

A while ago, I watched the news video of a 3 year-old American girl who crawled into a vending machine and got stuck inside. The little girl was walking with her mother when she saw a toy inside the vending machine. She stopped and crawled inside the hole to pick up the toy. She got stuck inside until her mother came to rescue her.

Did I hear you ask 'what was her mother thinking'? Well, let's try to figure out what the 3-years-old was thinking. I guess her thought process looked like this: “Oh what a cute toy smiling at me right there"! The toy-thought progressed: “Why can’t I have that little toy? I want that toy”! She does a quick situation analysis and concludes: "I like that toy so much that I cannot let it go" Now, she has reached a decision point: “I am going to have that toy no matter what" She went inside the vending machine and got trapped inside, unfortunately.


The little girl's journey to the toy-vending machine began with a single toy-thought in her mind.


Just like that little girl, your daily “toy”-thought and my daily “toy”-thought whatever “toy” means to you and me, will lead us to our “toy” destination in life -good or bad. Every outcome begins with a thought and every thought has potential outcome. Our thoughts influence our decisions, our decisions influence our actions and our actions influence our outcomes.